Have you ever noticed that little girls shine?
Last night I was at the pharmacy filling all of Bee's usual meds and an antibiotic (her little cold has gotten much worse) and while I was waiting this mother and her little girl came in. The girl was maybe seven or eight and she shined so much she nearly hurt my eyes. Both mother and daughter were well groomed and their clothes were conservatively fashionable.
Except for the little girls shoes.
Her little feet where encased in some seriously kicking and very obviously well worn boots. They were brown with a big gold star on the back and another on the top of the foot. The heels were worn down nearly to the floor and she clomped around in these boots like she was on a runway. You could tell that wearing these boots made her feel good. Like a cross between an Amazon warrior chick and Annie Oakley. Did they match her dark slacks and blouse? No freaking way! Did she care? No! She was rocking those boots and knew it. She stood at the counter with her mother, all young girl innocence and bright hopes and her magical nothing-can-stop-me boots and I very nearly had to shield my eyes.
I stared at her. I could remember this. Deep down every woman has this little girl somewhere in her memories, was once this little girl. When do we lose it, that strength and hope that shines so brightly? When do we trade in our crazy boots that make us feel like we could climb mountains for painful heels that we hope will make us look pretty for others? Why do we do that??? It's crazy. I want to climb mountains, kick butts, toss my hair in the wind and laugh with my eyes, don't you? Can't you remember that feeling?
Two quick questions: what are your boots and do you have the courage to clomp around in them?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
I've been caught!!!
Backsliding, that is!
Last night I found myself lying awake . . . worrying about paying the rent.
Not that paying the rent is unimportant, mind you. It's just that I am consumed with the worry of it. I don't quite have the February rent and I really need to find an extra $200 to become a member of the Association of Personal Historians - which although that would help bring in money for us as I launch my own personal historian business that is still just money for me, technically. And WHEN do I use money for just me?? How can I justify THAT?
I used to lie in bed and dream of things to come, imagine lots of romantic or exciting what, where, when, why and who. Now I lie in bed and try to figure out how to stretch a child support check (on the off chance that it has actually arrived) or fret about how long we can eat nothing but cereal and noodles before my son mutinies. Last night, staring at my lovely four poster bed, I began to wonder if I could get a months rent out of my bedroom furniture. Then I began to list all the things I have sold in the last eight months just to stay in one place:
the entire contents of my craft room
at least half of my beloved books (which comes out to approximately 150 of them gone)
a couple of essays (these I was glad to sell!!)
our old 4-wheelers
all of our DVD movies
my laptop
my 2003 Santa Fe
Keeping my dream to move us to Maine in mind I began to wonder at the insanity of going to such great lengths to stay in this house. The alternative, at this point, would be a hotel. But then, why not? I mean, we'd have to pack up anyway and I'm not moving all of our furniture all the way to Maine. So why not just clean house right now? Pack up what we want to keep and then have an open house yard sale and sell everything right down the the last fork - then use that money to make our move to Maine at the end of the school year.
And then I remembered how much time and money I have in this house. I was, after all, expecting to buy it within two years. Of course, that was before. And of course I remembered that my son needs stability right now and that moving to a hotel in the middle of the school year would mean no more friends over, no more sleepovers, no more running around the block with his friends on his bike, no more tent in the backyard. He needs these comforts, these little things that give him a break from the unhappy thoughts of his father. And I'm not sure how all of Bee's medical equipment would fit into a small hotel room.
Or are those things just excuses to keep from taking a scary leap towards our Maine dream? AND THEN, of course, I remembered that our Maine Dream hinges on a lot of things including my ex husband's willingness to allow us to move without a big, legal drama.
AND THEN I wondered if I should dream at all?
And THAT was when I realized just how dark and far from hope my thoughts had become and I got out of bed and ate some chocolate.
And THAT was when I realized the only thing I had accomplished in two hours was adding weight and wrinkles to my worry list.
So I ate a little more chocolate.
Then I stood in front of my dream board and tried to see the path that would lead me to those dreams and I saw nothing. No amazing revelations came to me and my heart was still heavy with worry.
The chocolate must have been old or something and had lost it's powers.
So . . . I am putting my dreams in a drawer for a few days. I am tired of wrestling with them, trying to fit into them. Right now I want to concentrate on the dreams of others.
What are your dreams? I really would like to hear about them and how you made them come true. Or maybe you are in the middle of that messy and glorious process right now. Share it with me, share it with all the other women that struggle under the weight of spirit, creativity and duty. Spread a little hope please, my stores have been depleted.
Last night I found myself lying awake . . . worrying about paying the rent.
Not that paying the rent is unimportant, mind you. It's just that I am consumed with the worry of it. I don't quite have the February rent and I really need to find an extra $200 to become a member of the Association of Personal Historians - which although that would help bring in money for us as I launch my own personal historian business that is still just money for me, technically. And WHEN do I use money for just me?? How can I justify THAT?
I used to lie in bed and dream of things to come, imagine lots of romantic or exciting what, where, when, why and who. Now I lie in bed and try to figure out how to stretch a child support check (on the off chance that it has actually arrived) or fret about how long we can eat nothing but cereal and noodles before my son mutinies. Last night, staring at my lovely four poster bed, I began to wonder if I could get a months rent out of my bedroom furniture. Then I began to list all the things I have sold in the last eight months just to stay in one place:
the entire contents of my craft room
at least half of my beloved books (which comes out to approximately 150 of them gone)
a couple of essays (these I was glad to sell!!)
our old 4-wheelers
all of our DVD movies
my laptop
my 2003 Santa Fe
Keeping my dream to move us to Maine in mind I began to wonder at the insanity of going to such great lengths to stay in this house. The alternative, at this point, would be a hotel. But then, why not? I mean, we'd have to pack up anyway and I'm not moving all of our furniture all the way to Maine. So why not just clean house right now? Pack up what we want to keep and then have an open house yard sale and sell everything right down the the last fork - then use that money to make our move to Maine at the end of the school year.
And then I remembered how much time and money I have in this house. I was, after all, expecting to buy it within two years. Of course, that was before. And of course I remembered that my son needs stability right now and that moving to a hotel in the middle of the school year would mean no more friends over, no more sleepovers, no more running around the block with his friends on his bike, no more tent in the backyard. He needs these comforts, these little things that give him a break from the unhappy thoughts of his father. And I'm not sure how all of Bee's medical equipment would fit into a small hotel room.
Or are those things just excuses to keep from taking a scary leap towards our Maine dream? AND THEN, of course, I remembered that our Maine Dream hinges on a lot of things including my ex husband's willingness to allow us to move without a big, legal drama.
AND THEN I wondered if I should dream at all?
And THAT was when I realized just how dark and far from hope my thoughts had become and I got out of bed and ate some chocolate.
And THAT was when I realized the only thing I had accomplished in two hours was adding weight and wrinkles to my worry list.
So I ate a little more chocolate.
Then I stood in front of my dream board and tried to see the path that would lead me to those dreams and I saw nothing. No amazing revelations came to me and my heart was still heavy with worry.
The chocolate must have been old or something and had lost it's powers.
So . . . I am putting my dreams in a drawer for a few days. I am tired of wrestling with them, trying to fit into them. Right now I want to concentrate on the dreams of others.
What are your dreams? I really would like to hear about them and how you made them come true. Or maybe you are in the middle of that messy and glorious process right now. Share it with me, share it with all the other women that struggle under the weight of spirit, creativity and duty. Spread a little hope please, my stores have been depleted.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
This post is titled "Men" or alternatively "What was God thinking?"
What is wrong with men? Really, I want to know. Fathers specifically. Are there actually good men, good fathers out there? I really really doubt it these days.
When I first realized my ex husband wasn't just sleeping with the other woman but was, in fact, engaged in a relationship with her I wondered what kind of woman she was. I mean, clearly she wasn't the most morally upright woman to have been sleeping with another woman's husband. I understood that. But to be dating him, to be in love with him, what - after all I knew him to be and not be - could she be thinking?? My friends and I wondered what kind of woman would put up with him or fall for his bull (besides a much younger me of course, lol).
Well now I know.
She is simply an older and more desperate and damaged version of the kind of woman I was when he and I met. Exactly the kind of woman he needs. He has twisted the truth into an alternate reality in which he is the victim and I am the bad guy and in this way she makes excuses for his behavior and once again he does not have to take responsibility for his actions. And just to put the cherry on top of it he has convinced her that I am the reason he has a bad relationship with our son.
More than any of the rest of it, that really makes me angry. I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to salvage some bits of their relationship, making excuses for him, trying to encourage my son to forgive him, spend time with him, give him fifth and sixth chances over and over again.
Just before Christmas she came over and joined the kids and myself for game night as an opportunity for us to all get to know each other. We exchanged emails and then the kids and I went to her house five days before Christmas for dinner and the kids opened gifts from the two of them.
I thought things were progressing, tentatively, in a positive manner. Certainly we weren't going to be best friends but a level of "get along" was within our grasp. On my birthday she emailed me and told me all of this stuff about the beginning of her relationship with my ex. All the wonderful, supportive things he did for her. Many of these things he was doing for her was while we were married and NOT while we were separated. Her email painted a picture of a whole other life separate from his family. While I was at home with a sick daughter he was off having fun with his friends, going on trips, having a great time. I also discovered why all the choices I made for the remodel of our house did not come to be. He took the sample books to HER and let HER pick and that is what he went with. How could I have missed the fact that he was doing all of this?? Well, easily I suppose, because I was spending all of my time taking care of the kids. Then the day after this email she emailed me with their plans for the kid's birthdays (both of which are January babies). She did not ask, she did not want to collaborate, she was telling me what was going to happen. About an hour after I read the email my ex stopped by and I told him that I did not agree with their plans.
Well.
Immediately I was the bad guy. She emailed me this rather nasty email with an actual numbered list of all the "wonderful" things my ex did during our marriage and I took advantage of. This woman even brought up our sex life. It was something like number 10 on her list.
I was stunned. She had taken things that had happened and twisted them into something else entirely. He was a wonderful man, he had sacrificed so much for his family, he had been treated badly by us and I had kept him from building a relationship with his children. THEN she went on to say that she didn't mean to make me angry and that if her email made me angry then it must because it was "filled with truth" and that "her words didn't have the power to make me angry or hurt me". My response was a polite email telling her to please keep her opinions, in the future, to herself.
Last week was Noah's birthday and today he went over to his father's house to have their own little celebration - though his father had been invited over here on the day and refused which I understand. Noah came home after a few hours very upset. Apparently his father had spent a large portion of their time complaining and trying to make Noah go speak to the pastor of his church because it "had to be done" so he and the girlfriend could marry. And honestly, I don't mean to be petty, but the presents they got him were pathetic. Looking at those presents you would think strangers had randomly selected them for "boy, 11" rather than someone that has known him his whole life. But I guess that is just it, his father doesn't know him at all. The entire day was about the ex and his girlfriend. You should have seen Noah when he came home. He was so upset and trying hard not to be. What did he care? What else did he expect from his father? How many times had he lived this disappointment over and over again? What was he thinking to look forward to that time together?
It was enough to break your heart.
And I just don't know what to do for him, how to ease his pain or help him understand that NONE of this is really even about him at all. That none of this is a statement of his worth as a person or a son.
I have come to the conclusion that I will not make excuses for his father any more. I will not say to my son "Hey, why don't you give your dad a call today and just ask him how his day is going. He'll like that." I will no longer force him to go over to his fathers house on his visitation days and I will not try to explain, in an apologetic and hopeful way, the anatomy of his father's behavior.
The good news is Noah has an appointment with a counselor in a few weeks. We've been on a waiting list for months but soon he will be able to work some of this stuff out with someone that can offer him a different perspective and help him work through things, heal and move forward.
As angry as I am with my ex and his girlfriend for so many things, the thing I am angriest about is the pain they have caused my kids. I have no power to stop them and lack the ability to clean up their mess and it is so frustrating.
So say a prayer for my kids tonight, will you, whoever might be out there reading this. Pray for healing and hope and moving on. Oh and add a little something for health as Bee is fighting a terrible cough and fever!
When I first realized my ex husband wasn't just sleeping with the other woman but was, in fact, engaged in a relationship with her I wondered what kind of woman she was. I mean, clearly she wasn't the most morally upright woman to have been sleeping with another woman's husband. I understood that. But to be dating him, to be in love with him, what - after all I knew him to be and not be - could she be thinking?? My friends and I wondered what kind of woman would put up with him or fall for his bull (besides a much younger me of course, lol).
Well now I know.
She is simply an older and more desperate and damaged version of the kind of woman I was when he and I met. Exactly the kind of woman he needs. He has twisted the truth into an alternate reality in which he is the victim and I am the bad guy and in this way she makes excuses for his behavior and once again he does not have to take responsibility for his actions. And just to put the cherry on top of it he has convinced her that I am the reason he has a bad relationship with our son.
More than any of the rest of it, that really makes me angry. I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to salvage some bits of their relationship, making excuses for him, trying to encourage my son to forgive him, spend time with him, give him fifth and sixth chances over and over again.
Just before Christmas she came over and joined the kids and myself for game night as an opportunity for us to all get to know each other. We exchanged emails and then the kids and I went to her house five days before Christmas for dinner and the kids opened gifts from the two of them.
I thought things were progressing, tentatively, in a positive manner. Certainly we weren't going to be best friends but a level of "get along" was within our grasp. On my birthday she emailed me and told me all of this stuff about the beginning of her relationship with my ex. All the wonderful, supportive things he did for her. Many of these things he was doing for her was while we were married and NOT while we were separated. Her email painted a picture of a whole other life separate from his family. While I was at home with a sick daughter he was off having fun with his friends, going on trips, having a great time. I also discovered why all the choices I made for the remodel of our house did not come to be. He took the sample books to HER and let HER pick and that is what he went with. How could I have missed the fact that he was doing all of this?? Well, easily I suppose, because I was spending all of my time taking care of the kids. Then the day after this email she emailed me with their plans for the kid's birthdays (both of which are January babies). She did not ask, she did not want to collaborate, she was telling me what was going to happen. About an hour after I read the email my ex stopped by and I told him that I did not agree with their plans.
Well.
Immediately I was the bad guy. She emailed me this rather nasty email with an actual numbered list of all the "wonderful" things my ex did during our marriage and I took advantage of. This woman even brought up our sex life. It was something like number 10 on her list.
I was stunned. She had taken things that had happened and twisted them into something else entirely. He was a wonderful man, he had sacrificed so much for his family, he had been treated badly by us and I had kept him from building a relationship with his children. THEN she went on to say that she didn't mean to make me angry and that if her email made me angry then it must because it was "filled with truth" and that "her words didn't have the power to make me angry or hurt me". My response was a polite email telling her to please keep her opinions, in the future, to herself.
Last week was Noah's birthday and today he went over to his father's house to have their own little celebration - though his father had been invited over here on the day and refused which I understand. Noah came home after a few hours very upset. Apparently his father had spent a large portion of their time complaining and trying to make Noah go speak to the pastor of his church because it "had to be done" so he and the girlfriend could marry. And honestly, I don't mean to be petty, but the presents they got him were pathetic. Looking at those presents you would think strangers had randomly selected them for "boy, 11" rather than someone that has known him his whole life. But I guess that is just it, his father doesn't know him at all. The entire day was about the ex and his girlfriend. You should have seen Noah when he came home. He was so upset and trying hard not to be. What did he care? What else did he expect from his father? How many times had he lived this disappointment over and over again? What was he thinking to look forward to that time together?
It was enough to break your heart.
And I just don't know what to do for him, how to ease his pain or help him understand that NONE of this is really even about him at all. That none of this is a statement of his worth as a person or a son.
I have come to the conclusion that I will not make excuses for his father any more. I will not say to my son "Hey, why don't you give your dad a call today and just ask him how his day is going. He'll like that." I will no longer force him to go over to his fathers house on his visitation days and I will not try to explain, in an apologetic and hopeful way, the anatomy of his father's behavior.
The good news is Noah has an appointment with a counselor in a few weeks. We've been on a waiting list for months but soon he will be able to work some of this stuff out with someone that can offer him a different perspective and help him work through things, heal and move forward.
As angry as I am with my ex and his girlfriend for so many things, the thing I am angriest about is the pain they have caused my kids. I have no power to stop them and lack the ability to clean up their mess and it is so frustrating.
So say a prayer for my kids tonight, will you, whoever might be out there reading this. Pray for healing and hope and moving on. Oh and add a little something for health as Bee is fighting a terrible cough and fever!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sleepovers and Valium
I don't know what I was thinking, really. It was a momentary lapse of judgement on my part to agree to something like this without Valium in the house.
At this moment there is not two but three children in my house. Well, sort of in my house. Technically two of them are in a tent in the backyard. I hear screams, peals of laughter and, most disturbing, giggles. Laughter usually means someone did something clever like fart or make milk come out of their nose. Giggles indicate something more . . . sinister. Scary boy plans in the making.
I should hide the chocolate while there is still some left so I can make it through the night. I mean, if I can't take Valium I gotta have something to help me through. Right??
At this moment there is not two but three children in my house. Well, sort of in my house. Technically two of them are in a tent in the backyard. I hear screams, peals of laughter and, most disturbing, giggles. Laughter usually means someone did something clever like fart or make milk come out of their nose. Giggles indicate something more . . . sinister. Scary boy plans in the making.
I should hide the chocolate while there is still some left so I can make it through the night. I mean, if I can't take Valium I gotta have something to help me through. Right??
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Bee's CafePress shop : Brothers Are From Jupiter
Okay so a couple of years ago Noah was really really annoying Bee so she and I came up with a plan to get him back and created www.cafepress.com/alienbrothers ! There are only six or so designs but Bee and I thought they were funny.
Noah. . . not so much.
Anyway, I had forgotten about this little cafepress shop until today and I wanted to promote it shamelessly on here. All the money, should anyone purchase any of our clever little designs, goes to Bee. Her favorite things are audiobooks and massages - neither of which are cheap! So click on over to her little shop and check it out. If you have a little brother, you will so get where we were coming from!
Noah. . . not so much.
Anyway, I had forgotten about this little cafepress shop until today and I wanted to promote it shamelessly on here. All the money, should anyone purchase any of our clever little designs, goes to Bee. Her favorite things are audiobooks and massages - neither of which are cheap! So click on over to her little shop and check it out. If you have a little brother, you will so get where we were coming from!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Do you know these books??
From the moment Noah was able to read I have been sprinkling his book diet with some of my favorite childhood books. Most he really likes, some not so much. I do remember several books though that I cannot remember the title or author of and would love some help identifying them!
Book 1: Two kids go on a seaside vacation with either just their mom or both their parents. They take a house on a cliff next to a lengthy wooden staircase leading down to the beach. At some point this brother and sister duo uncover some sort of mystery that involves the woods nearby, a cove and a scary house in those woods. I read the book sometime in the mid 80's but I do not know if it was a new book or old at that time. I do remember it kept me guessing.
Book 2: Okay, this one I remember a vital point - there is this doll named Ditto and it is Evil. Over several generations this doll comes between sisters and always turns up somewhere in the house or the grounds. If I remember correctly this starts out maybe in the early 1900's and goes from there. Again, something I read in the mid 80's and I have no idea when it was actually published.
Book 3: A mother and her two kids (brother and sister again) take the position of caretaker for a mansion. This family is pretty destitute and this is a very good thing for them. There is a burnt out wing to the house (or it is separate but next to the main house) and the kids are frightened by what I remember to be the ghosts of children. Eventually the kids go back in time to stop the fire and save the kids and then!! they actually inherit the house.
Anyone have any ideas??
Book 1: Two kids go on a seaside vacation with either just their mom or both their parents. They take a house on a cliff next to a lengthy wooden staircase leading down to the beach. At some point this brother and sister duo uncover some sort of mystery that involves the woods nearby, a cove and a scary house in those woods. I read the book sometime in the mid 80's but I do not know if it was a new book or old at that time. I do remember it kept me guessing.
Book 2: Okay, this one I remember a vital point - there is this doll named Ditto and it is Evil. Over several generations this doll comes between sisters and always turns up somewhere in the house or the grounds. If I remember correctly this starts out maybe in the early 1900's and goes from there. Again, something I read in the mid 80's and I have no idea when it was actually published.
Book 3: A mother and her two kids (brother and sister again) take the position of caretaker for a mansion. This family is pretty destitute and this is a very good thing for them. There is a burnt out wing to the house (or it is separate but next to the main house) and the kids are frightened by what I remember to be the ghosts of children. Eventually the kids go back in time to stop the fire and save the kids and then!! they actually inherit the house.
Anyone have any ideas??
Dream boards, wishes and a new life
In my first post on this blog I mentioned how hard it is to take out your dreams and work on them when you have to worry about paying the rent, running the kids everywhere and generally getting through each day. And that is, mostly, what we do - isn't it? Just get through each day? Try to come up with enough money not to lose our homes, get the electric shut off and buy the kids warm clothes and healthy food. You spend most of your energy on worry. How can I stretch this paycheck, that child support payment that finally arrived, what can I sell to help me catch up??? I've been thinking and worrying along those lines for a while now. At the end of each day I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.
Worry worry worry.
I never dream, I never plan for the future, I never hope or imagine or expect. My wish on the first star of the evening (a tradition around my house, to see who spots it first) is wasted on rent and gas and grocery needs. How wasteful is that to throw away a wish on such mundane things?? Wishes are meant for dreams and hopeful things.
So tonight, when that first star comes out, I will make a wish. But not my usual pay-the-rent-buy-the-groceries kind of wish.
No!
Tonight I am going to open the drawer and pull out a few dreams, shake out the wrinkles and see how they fit. Over the next little while I am going to mend them, take them in here, let them out there and see what I look like in the mirror all decked out in my fine fancies. And to get a jump on that, today I am making a dream board. Big piece of posterboard, lots of magazines, a bit of glue and one happy to be free imagination all conspiring to create, on paper, a visual image of what it is I should really be working towards. I am also going to write myself a letter from the future. ??? Yup you read that right. I am going to meditate on what I would like to be doing, who I would like to be and how I would like my life 5 or 10 years from now and in that frame of mind write my "past" self a letter of encouragement.
I am tired of worry. I am tired of making do and coming up short. I am tired of being afraid all the time. My whole life I have been afraid. As a kid I was terrified of my father and then later of my stepmother. I married a man very much like my father and spent nearly 16 years terrified of him. Now, I spend my time afraid of bills. I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless and I realize that is never going to change unless I take action. And I realize we will never move to Maine like this because we will never have the money and I will never have the courage.
So, today I am giving myself seven months to change my life. My goal is to be writing my July 13th post from Camden Maine. How I get there is anybodies guess at this point but I'm going to start today, at this moment and take a leap.
Anyone got a net????
Worry worry worry.
I never dream, I never plan for the future, I never hope or imagine or expect. My wish on the first star of the evening (a tradition around my house, to see who spots it first) is wasted on rent and gas and grocery needs. How wasteful is that to throw away a wish on such mundane things?? Wishes are meant for dreams and hopeful things.
So tonight, when that first star comes out, I will make a wish. But not my usual pay-the-rent-buy-the-groceries kind of wish.
No!
Tonight I am going to open the drawer and pull out a few dreams, shake out the wrinkles and see how they fit. Over the next little while I am going to mend them, take them in here, let them out there and see what I look like in the mirror all decked out in my fine fancies. And to get a jump on that, today I am making a dream board. Big piece of posterboard, lots of magazines, a bit of glue and one happy to be free imagination all conspiring to create, on paper, a visual image of what it is I should really be working towards. I am also going to write myself a letter from the future. ??? Yup you read that right. I am going to meditate on what I would like to be doing, who I would like to be and how I would like my life 5 or 10 years from now and in that frame of mind write my "past" self a letter of encouragement.
I am tired of worry. I am tired of making do and coming up short. I am tired of being afraid all the time. My whole life I have been afraid. As a kid I was terrified of my father and then later of my stepmother. I married a man very much like my father and spent nearly 16 years terrified of him. Now, I spend my time afraid of bills. I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless and I realize that is never going to change unless I take action. And I realize we will never move to Maine like this because we will never have the money and I will never have the courage.
So, today I am giving myself seven months to change my life. My goal is to be writing my July 13th post from Camden Maine. How I get there is anybodies guess at this point but I'm going to start today, at this moment and take a leap.
Anyone got a net????
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